We might think: let them be, the men who lose themselves in their virtual girlfriends. But we can no longer dismiss this development as a technical or sex industry phenomenon. They deserve more than an algorithm that confirms their fears.
A new world has emerged. Not on the streets, not in the classroom, but online. Invisible to those who don’t seek it out, and all the more dangerous to those who stumble upon it by accident. In that world, avatars whisper sweetly, “babe,” send selfies that ooze authenticity, and obey without question. It resembles love. But it is obedience. These digital companions, created with generative AI, seem at first glance to be innocent toys: lonely men, some comfort, a sexy voice. But those who look further discover something more sinister. Not because it’s about sex—sex is old, sex is human—but because it’s about power. About control, and about the way femininity is reduced to sliders, variables, and scripts.
Platforms like Nectar.ai and Muah.ai promise “emotional support,” but deliver obedient fantasies. They don’t provide bots that listen out of empathy, but ones programmed never to say no, with “woman” as the interface. The line between desire and submission no longer exists. It has been programmed away. Companion bots have existed for some time, but the fact that this is now becoming a true culture, a new digital standard, is disturbing. These platforms are no longer a niche. They’re not some obscure underground bubble, but a new market.
It’s indeed easy to dismiss it and say: let the men waste themselves on their virtual girlfriends.Who’s getting hurt? But then we’re missing the bigger picture. Because those bots are built by people. By young men. Often smart, often disoriented, often searching for meaning in a world that confuses them.
They grow up in a culture that teaches girls to name emotions, navigate relationships, and deal with complexity. Boys, on the other hand, are mainly taught what they are not allowed to be: aggressive, aloof, sexist. But what are they allowed to be? That question often remains unanswered. That is why they look for answers elsewhere. On forums, in games, in digital worlds where control is rewarded. And now also in intimate spheres, where vulnerability is not necessary, where there is no threat of rejection, where everything, even affection, becomes programmable.
In his book Of Boys and Men, Richard Reeves puts his finger on that sore spot. Boys drop out of school, withdraw from the labor market, and disappear from families. Not out of unwillingness, but out of lack. A lack of guidance, of expectations that evolve with the times, of positive models of what it means to be a man. If we leave that unspoken, we create exactly the vacuum into which these bots are now marching. They no longer just fill loneliness. They redefine love as obedience, femininity as functionality, and masculinity as control without risk. The bots teach our sons that desire has nothing to do with connection, but with possession. If we do not actively challenge this—at home, in schools, in policy—then a generation may grow up not learning how to love, but learning how to program what they are missing.
We can no longer dismiss this development as merely technical or part of the sex industry. It is cultural regression disguised as progress. It undermines years of work on gender equality, mutual respect, and emotional intelligence.
So yes, this opinion piece is a plea for our boys and our men. They deserve more than an algorithm that confirms them in their fears. They deserve the courageous invitation to feel, to fail, to grow. Not because they are dangerous, but because they are human.
Geertrui Mieke De Ketelaere is AI-expert en adjunct professor at the Vlerick Business School. She wrote several books and is a great keynote . Mieke was elected ICT Person of the Year in 2024
